The Trip To London

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.
I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I though was true.

~Robert Frost

The day I was leaving for London, I felt as though I could hardly speak.  I felt a nervousness like none other I felt before.  But, there was no desire to turn back.  I knew what I had to do; I knew what I wanted to do.  When A dropped me off at the airport I made a remark to him that I felt that I felt like a lamb being led to slaughter!  It was actually pretty funny to say at the time.  I think I just felt that the life I knew up to that point would all be different after this journey. 

I had a lot to think about on the plane ride and a lot of time to do so.  There was a mixture of emotions.  I felt scared about what I would find but at the same time I was so excited!  I wondered if I would feel love towards the biological family and would it compare with love I felt for my adoptive family or the love I felt for A or the boys.  I was almost out of breath thinking about my initial reactions to meeting the London family.  What if I fainted from it all?

Overall I felt out of any comfort zone I could know.  I was on a plane, by myself, flying over an ocean to meet people I had never met before, along with a birth mother that I did know for my first two years.  Could I handle it all?  There was nothing to do but forge ahead and be excited about the discovery.

City Girl Or Country Girl

This morning I remember something that my brother and I were discussing the other day.  We were talking about our childhood and particularly discussing mom.  There was always constant conflict between mom and I over what I wanted and what she wanted for me.  My earliest memories are of her trying to force her ideas and interests onto me.  She was brought up a particular way, knowing how to sew and cook, keep a tidy house, tend to gardening, take care of animals.  I remember the constant strife between us as she was trying to force her perfectionism on me.  It wasn't about introducing new interests to see if I would in turn be interested.  It was about telling me that I was to be a particular way and enjoy particular activities whether or not I was passionate about them.

I grew up loving horses and adored the time away from home when I was out riding.  I assumed I would be a horse person - always.  As I've grown up (while I do still adore horses), I realize they really aren't for me, to own.  I attempted my individual ownership of a TB ex-racehorse many years ago and failed miserably.  In the back of my mind I thought that my mom would be proud of me for taking on this feat of caring for this horse and training him to be a docile riding horse.  I was seeking admiration from my mother.  In the end it was a waste of a lot of time, not to mention money!

My brother told me "You aren't a country girl, You're a city girl!"  "What was mom thinking?!"   I never even thought about it until he said it.  I somewhat enjoyed the chickens, and the horses, the cow and the pig.  But I really like life in the city (with the option of vacationing in the country!) Here I am in my mid-thirties just now figuring out what I am and what I want.  I should be glad I'm figuring it out now!  How much of ourselves is really about what WE want and how much is the portrayal of what others want or expect from us?
Who are you and what do YOU want?

Mothers

It was a bit surprising that my parents decided to stop speaking with me after I told them the news.  I expected a little discord, particularily on the part of my mother.  I just did not expect the complete lack of communication.  It seems childish.  Most adopted children are curious about their biological familes.  Some are satisfied with their adoptive familes and live fruitful harmonious lives, never caring to know more.  I believe that it takes a certain personality to want the answers and in my case, frustration from my childhood exacerbated the interest. 

I did not tell my parents about the impending visit to England.  I told them after I got home.  I didn't want anything said to "spoil" the moment and somehow influence my choice to travel over.  Honestly, I am also afraid of my mother.  In a lot of ways I am afraid of my mother in the same way a lot of daughters are also afraid of displeasing their mothers.  But, in a way I was afraid that she would somehow prevent me from going.  I had dreams that she actually contacted my birth mother.  So in the end this was my personal moment and it was private. 

I am postive that my mother fears that she will be replaced by the birth mother.  I find it silly that she would think that I would replace her with someone that I really do not know.  Perhaps her fear lies in the fact that she is not really a mother to me at all.  And there is an opportunity that someone with a connection, such as a birth mother, may take over a version of the role.  Her fears are not unfounded.  I realize that more each day. 

This is where it all begins...

Well I have joined the blogging world.  I think of this as my online diary for all to read!  It's a little scary knowing personal issues can be read all over the world!   Initially, I decided to create this blog so I could update my friends and family about recent events in my life.  After starting I decided that this would be much more.  I think I have a good story to share.  And in sharing my story I will be unraveling years of shame and misunderstanding.  I hope you find it interesting.  I also hope someone out there reads this story and it inspires them.   For me personally, it should be cathartic.  I feel comforted knowing others will be taking this journey with me.

It's been almost one month since I left for London to meet my biological family.  I feel more content today than before the trip.  I feel a sense of peace (and accomplishment!)  It's not a lot and life is far from perfect!  But, I feel different.  I see myself differently.  I see others differently.  I think it's a great thing.  Although my week has been trying, I feel as if I am still evolving, processing, changing and growing up.  It's been a crazy week with work schedules, kids and other family issues but I can handle it all.

It has been three weeks since I told my parents about my trip over to London.  I told them about finding my birth mother, brothers, birth father (and sister!)  I explained it, in an email, to give them space to feel it through and explained I wanted to further discuss in-person.  My calls to them have gone unanswered and not returned.  I have determined that they are pretty upset.  I spent some time with my brother a few days ago and he confirmed that they told him they would not be speaking with me.  They might feel as though I have replaced them.  Or they might be upset that I didn't share the news with them initially or tell them about the travel over to London prior to leaving. 

I feel a bit overwhelmed with the complexities of  "my family." It is daunting trying to put it all in place. x