Mothers

It was a bit surprising that my parents decided to stop speaking with me after I told them the news.  I expected a little discord, particularily on the part of my mother.  I just did not expect the complete lack of communication.  It seems childish.  Most adopted children are curious about their biological familes.  Some are satisfied with their adoptive familes and live fruitful harmonious lives, never caring to know more.  I believe that it takes a certain personality to want the answers and in my case, frustration from my childhood exacerbated the interest. 

I did not tell my parents about the impending visit to England.  I told them after I got home.  I didn't want anything said to "spoil" the moment and somehow influence my choice to travel over.  Honestly, I am also afraid of my mother.  In a lot of ways I am afraid of my mother in the same way a lot of daughters are also afraid of displeasing their mothers.  But, in a way I was afraid that she would somehow prevent me from going.  I had dreams that she actually contacted my birth mother.  So in the end this was my personal moment and it was private. 

I am postive that my mother fears that she will be replaced by the birth mother.  I find it silly that she would think that I would replace her with someone that I really do not know.  Perhaps her fear lies in the fact that she is not really a mother to me at all.  And there is an opportunity that someone with a connection, such as a birth mother, may take over a version of the role.  Her fears are not unfounded.  I realize that more each day.