Meeting them all

When I arrived in London/Heathrow, it felt like a dream.  This was my first time being back in England since I left as a 3 1/2 yo.  My brother Gary and his girlfriend fetched me from the airport.  It was amazing meeting my brother for the first time.  We had the opportunity to get to know each other in the weeks leading up to the visit, so it didn't feel like we were strangers to each other.  We had actually become pretty close and there was an evident connection despite us not growing up together.  I would be staying with my brother and his girl friend outside of London during the short 5 day visit.  Later that day, I met my other brother, his girlfriend and my little niece as well.  And then even later on I finally met or was re-introduced to my biological mother.  It was very surreal seeing her.  We have the same eyes so it was like looking into my own eyes in a way.  I'm not sure what the connection was that I felt, but something felt a bit familiar.  We had an English BBQ, some drinks and a good talk.  I felt like I belonged and it felt easy.

I had booked the trip for only 5 days and I knew it wouldn't be long enough.  With so much going on and so much to absorb I probably needed at least 7 days!  One of the days my birth "mum" and I went into London to try some sightseeing.  The weather was not good but we rode down the Thames, went over to Greenwich and had a very nice talk.  We talked about her childhood in Dublin and her mother and father.  Her mother died when my mum was young, about 3 years old.  She left behind my mum and 4 other brothers.  They were all put into separate orphanages, apart, around Ireland.  It is very sad to think about that kind of childhood. 

She talked about my birth father.  She told me about his upbringing and their life together.  I had a different perception of him.  She changed that perception.  I had always told myself (and others) that I did not care to meet him.  I felt that he was the reason I was put up for adoption and that he did not want me and he did not want my birth mother to have me either.  And I also judged him for leaving my birth mum when she was pregnant with my younger brother Gary.  After the day with my mum I had no resentment for my birth father.

It's quite funny that during the same day I found out about a half sister that my birth father had.  I sent a message to her on facebook (not even knowing if it was really her).  She replied to me that day when I was out with my mum.  I picked up the message later that evening.  We decided to meet and then she told me that our father was also in town.  Everything was happening so fast!

The following day I arranged to meet my biological father, my sister and my older brother, through my biological father.  I had always known about a half brother or half sister that my father had with a previous wife, prior to my birth.  I wasn't sure if this person was a brother or sister and it was never made clear.  Before traveling to London I found out that this half sibling was in fact a brother about 2 years older.  It was amazing to find out that all this time I was wondering if this half sibling was a sister or brother, I in fact had one of each! 

I first saw my biological father at our arranged meeting spot and recognized him, mostly from photos on facebook, but also in another way as well.  He sat and talked with me extensively about my early childhood.  It was confusing as he told me that he did not want me put up for adoption and wanted to care for me.  My biological mother had told me she did the best for me and put me up to give me a better life.  I also had the chance to chat with my half sister and half brother who came to meet.  I left after meeting them feeling very emotional but composed.  After all I only had one more night in England.  I would have the flight home to process it all!

The Trip To London

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as 'twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.
I should not be withheld but that some day
into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e'er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew--
Only more sure of all I though was true.

~Robert Frost

The day I was leaving for London, I felt as though I could hardly speak.  I felt a nervousness like none other I felt before.  But, there was no desire to turn back.  I knew what I had to do; I knew what I wanted to do.  When A dropped me off at the airport I made a remark to him that I felt that I felt like a lamb being led to slaughter!  It was actually pretty funny to say at the time.  I think I just felt that the life I knew up to that point would all be different after this journey. 

I had a lot to think about on the plane ride and a lot of time to do so.  There was a mixture of emotions.  I felt scared about what I would find but at the same time I was so excited!  I wondered if I would feel love towards the biological family and would it compare with love I felt for my adoptive family or the love I felt for A or the boys.  I was almost out of breath thinking about my initial reactions to meeting the London family.  What if I fainted from it all?

Overall I felt out of any comfort zone I could know.  I was on a plane, by myself, flying over an ocean to meet people I had never met before, along with a birth mother that I did know for my first two years.  Could I handle it all?  There was nothing to do but forge ahead and be excited about the discovery.