This morning I remember something that my brother and I were discussing the other day. We were talking about our childhood and particularly discussing mom. There was always constant conflict between mom and I over what I wanted and what she wanted for me. My earliest memories are of her trying to force her ideas and interests onto me. She was brought up a particular way, knowing how to sew and cook, keep a tidy house, tend to gardening, take care of animals. I remember the constant strife between us as she was trying to force her perfectionism on me. It wasn't about introducing new interests to see if I would in turn be interested. It was about telling me that I was to be a particular way and enjoy particular activities whether or not I was passionate about them.
I grew up loving horses and adored the time away from home when I was out riding. I assumed I would be a horse person - always. As I've grown up (while I do still adore horses), I realize they really aren't for me, to own. I attempted my individual ownership of a TB ex-racehorse many years ago and failed miserably. In the back of my mind I thought that my mom would be proud of me for taking on this feat of caring for this horse and training him to be a docile riding horse. I was seeking admiration from my mother. In the end it was a waste of a lot of time, not to mention money!
My brother told me "You aren't a country girl, You're a city girl!" "What was mom thinking?!" I never even thought about it until he said it. I somewhat enjoyed the chickens, and the horses, the cow and the pig. But I really like life in the city (with the option of vacationing in the country!) Here I am in my mid-thirties just now figuring out what I am and what I want. I should be glad I'm figuring it out now! How much of ourselves is really about what WE want and how much is the portrayal of what others want or expect from us?
Who are you and what do YOU want?
No comments:
Post a Comment